The TRT Diaries – 2 weeks on T

It’s been 2 weeks since I started T (this is my 15th day) and I have seen quite a bit of changes. Most of the changes have been neurological. I haven’t really seen any physical changes. I’ve only seen a few and they have been minor (at least most of them), compared to the neurological changes (all of this is expected during this time). My guess is that that will change during the 3rd week. For the record, I’m on Androgel 1.62% and I take 40.5mg (2 pumps) daily (every morning).

With that said, here are the following changes that I’ve noticed since first going on T:

Sexual Function

My sexual function (libido and potency) has made a big improvement. My sex drive is much more consistent. Whereas back then I only thought about sex occasionally, I’m now thinking about sex much more frequently (as in everyday). I seem to be taking greater pleasure in it (that is, I seem to be feeling it more), I seem to be more “ready” (if you know what I mean), and I seem to be paying even greater attention to visual stimuli. I first started to notice an elevation in my libido about an hour after I took my first dose of T – when I had my first sexual urge in weeks. The following morning, I noticed a return of my morning erections (which I had not had in a few months until then), and they have been consistent since then (I’m now waking up with morning wood everyday). My penis has also grown a bit – it looks a little more thicker than before, and its more sensitive than it was before. I’m very curious to see how much it grows after a few years go by. Lastly, my orgasms are more intense and my semen seems to be increasing in volume. I’m really surprised by how quickly my sexual function has improved. This is something that I didn’t expect to happen so soon – and I’m enjoying it!

Voice

My voice hasn’t changed yet – I still sound like Justin Bieber. My guess is that it’ll start changing very soon. I’m nearing the point were I’m going to start seeing changes in my voice. This is something that I’m most excited about and the most impatient about. I’m very self-conscious about my voice – which is the reason why I tend to avoid talking to people – because its not the manly voice I should have, so I’m really, really eager for it to start changing (or should I say, resume changing).

Facial/body hair

My facial hair seems to be growing back a bit quicker. It seems like there’s some more hair starting to grow in certain parts of my body (although its still scanty). I also seem to have increased peach fuzz. I’m assuming that I’ll start seeing thicker, darker hairs growing in during the 3rd or 4th week. I can’t wait to finally have visible facial hair!

Physical Profile

My muscles seem to have gotten more firmer than before. They seem to have gotten a tiny bit bigger and I seem to be filling out some areas of my body that were just skin and bones before. I seem to have gained a little weight – I checked myself on a scale and I’m almost back to being in the 90s (supposedly, I’m 89 ibs now). My weight has always been unstable (its always been mostly in the 80s), and supposedly it won’t start stabilizing until I’m anywhere from 6 to 12 months on T. I really can’t wait for that to happen, I’m tired of being underweight and looking like a weakling. My strength also seems to have increased (I tested myself out). I am, however, going to a wait a little bit before I resume my fitness routine (about 3 months). My goal is to get bigger and stronger, as that is more of my thing (it’ll make me look like I mean business). I’m really excited to be able to put muscle on more easily, as well as getting back to my regular fitness routine.

Energy/mood

My energy has increased, and my mood has improved. My mood swings are gone and I have become more patient with things and people. All of these things seemed to have happened during the first day. Not only that but the mild anxiety I was dealing with also seems to have disappeared (I noticed my anxiety lifting shortly after taking my first dose). I actually now feel like talking to people a bit more. I seem to have less social anxiety and feel more confident in talking to people, and I seem to be more open to socializing. The only thing holding me back would have to be my voice (again, I’m self-conscious about my voice).

Cognition

My cognition has dramatically improved. My reaction times are quicker, I can remember things better, I can focus more better and more clearly, and I have more energy and patience to do intellectually-demanding tasks. Perhaps the best part of all is that my creativity seems to have gone up. Things are coming to me much more easily than before. Right now, I’m getting back into the groove of making/playing music, designing, and the like. I must say that I’m having more fun making/playing music and designing than I did back when I was Low T. I seem to be getting more ideas now, I’m getting ideas more easily, and are more motivated to organize them and act upon them. I seem to be able to improvise more easily now, whereas back then I had a really hard time doing so. It seems like learning/practicing my skills while being Low T is starting to pay off. The cognitive changes/benefits is something that I’m really enjoying as well.

Appetite

My appetite has increased. I’m getting hungry more often and my portions have grown in size. I noticed this change on the evening of my first dose. I’ve also noticed that the bloating I used to have after every meal seems to have subsided. I guess this just shows that high Estrogen causes bloating (and it also shows that my E levels have decreased).

Other

My Gynecomastia seems to be improving, but its just the beginning. We’ll have to wait and see how much its reduced in several months (or a year from now).

All of these changes happened during the first week (the first 5 days it seems). I haven’t really seen any more changes during the second week (its become pretty boring now). I’m sure (and I’m hoping) that I’ll be seeing more changes during the third week.

I’m guessing that my T levels are now anywhere from 500-700. My goal is to get my T levels in the optimal range, between 700 and 1,000. For my E2 levels, my guess is that they’re now in the 40-100 range. My goal is to get them anywhere between 20 and 40, with 25-30 being my preferred spot. I have my next blood draw on the 26 and my next appointment with my Endocrinologist on October 10, so I won’t know until then (I might need to increase my dose by one pump on my next appointment). I also won’t know if I have to increase my dose until then.

One thing I’m trying to do to further improve my health and aid my recovery from Low T is to incorporate (more like re-incorporate) more good dietary fats into my diet, as I’m am pretty deficient in them. This has always been a trouble spot for me since I’m not buying my own food and I need to scrap up the money to buy them, but I’m going to work towards that. I’m also going to work towards getting back to being fully Primal (I’m partly Primal right now – because of my financial situation). Getting more good dietary fats will further increase my energy levels and make them more sustained.

I’m very happy with the changes I have seen. I’m even more amazed at how fast the expected first changes happened. I’m really looking forward to seeing what’s going to happen next. I feel great and, like I said before, I’m never going back to being Low T ever again!

I’ll be posting another TRT update either in 2 more weeks or on the last day of this month or the first day of October. I’ll see ya’ll again next time!

Finally Got T! – Part 2

I finally got my first prescription of Androgel on Friday. It took longer than I expected but at least I finally got it. I would’ve had gotten sooner but my Endocrinologist did not have the Prior Authorization form ready to submit until Monday. The following day, I got word that it was approved by my insurance. I tried to pick up my Androgel on Wednesday but the pharmacy ran out again and didn’t have any in stock until Thursday afternoon. I would finally pick it up on Friday.

Saturday was my first day on Testosterone (T). Right away, I was able to feel the effects. I felt my anxiety subsiding not long after the first application, then my well-being and happiness went up, I then noticed my brain fog was starting to clear up, my cognition was starting to improve (I even felt my creativity go up), I felt my libido go up about an hour after, and my spontaneous erections started making a return throughout the day. My appetite seems to be increasing and I’m getting way less (read: little to no) bloating (supposedly, high Estradiol can cause bloating – and I think this might be right). The next morning, I got my first morning erection in possibly months.

The changes have been consistent so far and they also seem to be increasing in intensity and quality each day. My confidence is going up and continues to do so, but I probably won’t get to the point were I feel completely confident (at least were the social aspect of things is concerned) until I finally start seeing changes in my voice (I’m pretty self-conscious about my voice – at least for now). Also, It seems like I’m starting to become more patient with stuff and not very easily agitated. Not only that but, this morning I seemed to have had an increase in the sensitivity downstairs when I got a random erection. It was my first time feeling anything that intense (I felt these sensations before – although inconsistent – but this was my first time experiencing anything this intense).

If I had to guess my T levels right now, I would say I’m probably anywhere around the 400-600 range. I would probably not see results like these if they were any lower than that. This is an educated guess based on what I’ve read – which includes experiences from other guys. For Estradiol, I’m assuming its anywhere from 40-100. But I won’t find out what my levels truly are until I get my bloodwork done near the end of the month, and go see my Endocrinologist at the end of the month. My guess is that my levels will keep going up for quite sometime – I’m guessing for the first 2 weeks (it takes 2 weeks for the body to adjust to something new).

I originally said that I would be on 2.5mg of T (2 pumps). It turns out, 2 pumps of Androgel 1.62% is actually 40.5mg! (That’s almost 50mg!) So that means I’m getting more than I bargained for! And so far so good. I’m responding to the treatment very well. It looks like I’m not one of those poor absorbers or anything like that, plus I have not experienced any adverse reactions (it also seems like I’m applying it well). My guess is that 5 pumps (100mg) will be my final dose (but could be something more like 100-130mg), but we’ll have to wait and see.

I’m very pleased with the changes I’m seeing so far. I’m very excited to see what’s ahead. This stuff is truly amazing and I feel great! Going on TRT is one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. I’m never going back to being Low T ever again :).

I will post an update for my “The TRT Diaries” series in probably 2 weeks. This will, of course, be my 2 weeks on T update. Additionally, I hope I can get back to work on starting my video blog series – which will include a video blog version of “The TRT Diaries”. I’ll see you all soon!

Finally Got T!

…Well, almost (I’ll get to that a bit later).

On Tuesday, August 19, I went to see my Endocrinologist for the 3rd time. I predicted that this time around I was finally going to get my first prescription for Testosterone (T). I was pretty anxious about the outcome of all this but I knew because I had been preparing for this during these last 2 months, I felt like I was finally prepared enough to finally get T (unlike the other time around, when I was just getting started on fixing my legal stuff) so I felt more confident this time around. I was a little anxious, but at the same time I was excited.

After a humiliating ‘defeat’ last time around (due to a lack of preparedness on my part), and after a very crushing denial to see an Endocrinologist by my former insurance this month last year, I can finally say that I got my hands on T! My endo was very open to giving me T but the legal stuff (not updating my gender with social security, ID, and my insurance sooner) is what made things difficult the last time around – and why he couldn’t prescribe me T. I spend the last 2 months sorting this stuff out and I can proudly say that all that hard work paid off.

When I got my 1st prescription for T, I felt very happy, excited, and pumped. But most of all, I felt a huge sigh of relief. This is has been such a big journey with huge ups and downs. Its been an emotional roller coaster that I can finally and happily say has finally come to an end. I’ve had to face denials of coverage, incompetent practitioners & insurance providers, and inconsistent identity documents, all while dealing with the dreaded symptoms of Low T (which made it even more challenging). Yeah, its not easy being intersex – especially when people don’t really know what intersex really is and when there are little to no protections for intersex folks like myself. It is especially not easy being both intersex and transgender (in my case, an intersex guy who was misassigned female at birth).

My endo prescribed me Androgel 1.62%. The best part? I didn’t even need to ask for it – he just said he was going to put me on Andogel and that’s it! (Love my endocrinologist!) I’ll be on 2.5g (2 pumps) of it initially, afterwards my doctor and I will gradually increase the dose until I finally arrive at a dose that I’m comfortable with (this will take about a year to do). Since T has very profound effects on the brain, it is important to start out with a low dose when starting TRT for the first time, so I’m cool with this initial low dose (the brain is practically the first organ to recover from the effects of Low T).

I’m predicting that I’ll be back to working on my career – as well as my resuming my regular fitness regimen – in about 2-3 months, or even earlier (like after 2 weeks). I’m very excited to return to work as I am dying to work on and put out new music and designs, as well as start playing live shows! I’m also very excited to return to my regular fitness regimen and finally start bulking up!

I went over to Rite Aid this morning to fill out my prescription but unfortunately they were out of Androgel. The good news is that they will have more in stock by tomorrow at 2pm. But since my insurance doesn’t have Androgel on their drug formulary (or drug list, as its also called), my local Rite Aid has sent my endo a Prior Authorization notice which he will need to fill out and send back to them (hopefully he’s already done it by now), who will then send the form to my insurance so they can cover it. This takes about 24 hours (or 2 days) to process. So if my endo and local Rite Aid fills and sends the notice today, I should be able to pick up my T either Friday afternoon or Saturday morning and start TRT on Sunday morning (if not, then early next week). We’ll have to wait and see how this turns out (I’m sure everything will go well). I’ll keep you all updated!

Nearing the End of My Journey

July was a pretty busy month! Quite a bit happened last month and its not over yet!

First, I went over to my local Social Security office to update my gender from female to male. I handed them my doctor’s letter (as well as a form of identification) and that was the end of that. I had to wait about 1 ½ hours to get service but the wait was well worth it. Two weeks later, and my gender had been updated to male. I went there in mid-July, and on August 1st, I called Social Security to see if the changes went into effect and they told me it did.

On July 18th, I filed my petition at my local court to change my name and gender legally – plus, a fee waiver that was approved. I have my hearing on September 24 in the morning. I’m really excited about this and I’m sure things will go very well.

Finally, I received my new ID on Monday – with a male gender marker!

Like I said earlier, its not over yet! Tomorrow, I’m going to go update my gender with my insurance. Hopefully after this I will be able to get my insurance to cover T. Not only that but I will be making my next appointment with my Endocrinologist tomorrow (which I’m going to see if I can book for 2 weeks from now). Hopefully I’ll finally be able to get T on my next appointment.

I feel like things are finally coming together. I feel as if I’m finally making real progress here. Since the beginning of this month, I’ve felt like my stress levels have gone down significantly – since I now have less hurdles to jump. Once I’m on T (remember, its independent of my transition), get my petition granted, and update all of my identity documents, my Rite of Passage will be completed and I will finally be able to start the next chapter in my life. I’ll no longer suffer from Low T or Gender Dysphoria after this. I will finally be able to live a normal, calm life, where I get to fulfill my potential. It will be the first time (at least since childhood) that I’ve ever felt “normal”. I’m nearing the end of this 2 – 2 ½ year journey. I can’t wait!

Until then, I’m going to go back to enjoying my vacation from almost everything – because once I’m on T (for anywhere from 2 weeks to 3 months), its back to work!

P.S. I’m planning on launching my video blog series somewhere this upcoming fall or winter, so watch out for that! (I’m currently still in the production stage. And yes, I will still be updating this blog.)

Lenovo Yoga 2 11 review

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On Friday, May 23, I got an early birthday present. I got a Lenovo Yoga 2 11 – which I affectionately named Trent. I’ve always wanted to see how its like to use and own a Yoga, and I finally got a chance to get a feel for that back on that day.

Specs
This is what my Yoga 2 11 came with:

Intel Pentium N3520 2.17GHz CPU
4 GB RAM (DDR3L-1600MHz)
Intel Baytrail M GPU
11.6″ HD LED TS LCD
500GB HDD
4 cell battery w/ a 20V, 45W AC adapter
Windows 8.1 64 bit
2 USB ports (one of them 2.0, the other 3.0)
A Micro HDMI 1.4 port
1 PCI Express Mini Card slot
1 Combo audio jack (1/8″)
A 2 in 1 card reader (SD/MMC)
An integrated camera
2 integrated speaker
2 integrated microphones

Feel/built quality
The Yoga 2 11 feels quite solid. It has this very nice feel to it. It does not feel cheap at all. It looks quite elegant and the orange cover is very pleasant to look at. The screen and hinges (which are metal) feel very solid as well.

Keyboard
The Yoga 2 11 is my first laptop with an island-style, 6-row keyboard. When I first looked at the keyboard, I thought the keys were too short to be funstional. I actually questioned its usability, especially since I’m primarily a ThinkPad user – which I have been for almost 10 years – and have gotten accustomed to its keyboard. That all changed when I used it. I found out how responsive and comfortable the keyboard was to type on. Although, I think that if I put it side-by-side with the ThinkPad Yoga, the ThinkPad’s keyboard would (obviously) be more superior, but (at least in my opinion) the Yoga’s keyboard would come very close though. Even though an IdeaPad/Essential notebook can’t beat a ThinkPad’s keyboard, its still pleasant to type on and comes close. Their keyboards are obviously better than the other consumer notebook brands out there.

On the Yoga, the the Ctrl key is placed on the left side while the Fn key is placed on the right side. This is something I’ll have to get used to since I’m more used to the Fn key being on the left and the Ctrl key being on the right (being a long-time ThinkPad user and all). But even with that in mind, I’m actually adjusting pretty well.

Pointing device
This isn’t my first time using a clickpad-style touchpad (I used one before when I demoed a MacBook Pro a long time ago), but this is my first time using one on a daily basis. The Yoga 2 11 is my first notebook with a clickpad. I initially thought it would take me a while to get used to a touchpad with integrated buttons, but I ended up getting used it after just several minutes of use. It has a very nice feel to it and is very responsive – it doesn’t feel clunky at all. The multi-touch function of the clickpad works like a charm – although, it sometimes gets in the way. Touchpads on Lenovo laptops are very easy to use – they aren’t a pain to use as in other brands, which is great for me since my pointing device of choice is the TrackPoint (I rarely use the touchpad on my ThinkPads) and with the Yoga, I have no other choice but to use a touchpad or an external mouse.

Display
My Yoga has an 11.6″ HD LED TS display. Its very crisp and has a nice resolution that’s very suitable for an 11.6″. Using its multitouch functions is a breeze and is comfortable to use.

There are times when I wish I had a larger screen. When I’m doing design (and music) work, I prefer to work on a larger screen, so I wish my Yoga had a bigger screen for that purpose. But I’m doing quite well working on a smaller screen (before this, I was doing my design work on a 14” T60). I think the decent screen resolution, plus the crisp screen compensate for that small drawback.

Performance
The Yoga does what it was made for pretty well. Web browsing, reading, word processing, and social media on the Yoga are a breeze. Watching videos and listening to music are . It can handle light gaming with really no issues, and the integrate graphics card is quite decent – games are really fun to play on the Yoga. Apps run great on it as well.

Since I’m going to be using the Yoga for graphic design for a while, I installed Adobe Photoshop, Illustrator, InDesign, and Dreamweaver (all CS6). As expected, it can run all of these programs quite well. However, since the Yoga 2 11 has integrated graphics, it won’t be able to take advantage of Photoshop CS6’s 3D feature (it will be disabled by default). In order to take advantage of the 3D feature, you will need to get a computer with a dedicated graphics card – which needs to have at least 512MB of VRAM (which I myself am going to do somewhere in the near future).

Battery Life
I can get up to 5 hours of battery life on my Yoga. I’ve been able to watch about 2 hours of video, plus web browsing, Photoshop, word processing, reading, and other stuff in about 5 hours. Of course, how much battery life you get – and the stuff you can do with that time – really depend on what settings you have on your Yoga, as well as the kinds of tasks you do, so you might end up getting more or less than what I got.

Conclusion
The Yoga 2 11 is great for basic tasks like typing, reading, web browsing, and social media. It is also great for entertainment like watching videos, listening to music, and light gaming. It is great for using apps from the Windows store as well. Additionally, it can run programs like Adobe Photoshop, Illustrator, InDesign and Dreamweaver with no issues. The only drawback is if you’re using Photoshop CS6, you won’t get to use the 3D feature, since the Yoga 2 11 does not have a dedicated graphics card. The Yoga 2 11 is also great for (basic/low-intensity) music production, DJing, and drawing.

The Yoga 2 11 is really fun to use. I really love the four modes: laptop, tent, stand, and tablet – which allow me to do different tasks in different modes for a more efficient workflow. Overall, it is great for work and play. I love my Yoga!

To Vlog Or Not To Vlog

This was originally posted on my personal Tumblr.

I started a YouTube channel about two years ago. It can be found here. The only problem is that I haven’t posted any videos yet. I’ve only made playlist.

The reason why I haven’t posted any videos yet are because: 1) I didn’t really have the proper equipment, 2) I wasn’t really sure what I wanted to do, I just knew that I wanted to post videos plus I didn’t have a plan, 3) I didn’t really know how to go about it, and 4) I had certain inhibitions about this.

My inhibitions about this have largely to do with my how I sound, as well as the fact that I’ve never really recorded videos of me or been on a camera. Since I didn’t really have a puberty, my voice still sounds like that of either a prepubescent boy or a very early pubescent boy. I’m pretty self-conscious about it. The good thing is that I’m going to be starting Testosterone Replacement Therapy (TRT) very soon, so my voice will finish developing soon. But still, its pretty embarrassing to be a 24 year old man but yet still sound like a 12-15 year old boy. The reason I’m so embarrassed is because it just doesn’t feel like me – I have a strong male gender identity and a strong masculine identity, and so this just doesn’t feel like me.

I grew up with Selective Mutism. Its when a person who is normally capable of speech does not speak in specific situations or to specific people. While I have come a very long way and have almost gotten over it (largely thanks to my transition, as well as finally meeting and being around like-minded people), I still feel like there’s more room for improvement (I guess you can say that I’m still feeling its aftermath – I also think my Low T is contributing to this as well). By posting video blogs, I would be increasing my social confidence.

I have been watching others vlogs for a long time now. I feel like I’ve learned all the necessary things I needed to learn. I feel like I’ve finally gotten a sense of direction on this, as well as structure – I’ve even made a plan. I plan on doing video production and making music videos, among other kinds of videos, a bit later on in the future. I can see how this will help me get started on that.

I can see all the benefits of doing vlogs. It will help me build my audience, which will translate over to the other things I’m either already doing or are planning to do. It will help increase my social confidence even more. I will get to meet new people and make new friends. It will help me get started on video production. I will help out other people, create more visibility for intersex and trans people, as well as be a source of inspiration for current SM sufferers as well as anyone else who is or has ever had social difficulties. There are obviously other reasons, but I’ll just stop here.

I’m thinking of starting somewhere this summer, if I decide to do this. I think that documenting my legal transition to male as well as my TRT treatments – as a way to compliment my written blogs – will be a great way to start. I think documenting them by video would be very beneficial to not just me but to others as well. The topics that would be discussed are going to range from my transition, intersex status, and TRT, to Lenovo, to my general wereabouts, my past, and really, anything else I’m interested in discussing. It would basically be a video blog version of my personal blog, Elipalooza.

I have quite a lot of thinking to do, and a lot of fears to overcome. All I know is that if I decide to do this, I’m going to feel very proud of myself for finally having the guts to do this.

Journey To Manhood

This transition and quest towards getting TRT (which is independent from my transition) is really my “Rite of Passsage”. I’ve never had one before, and this was my perfect opportunity to have one so I decided to make my own (I’ve been doing this for 2 years now). While I may already be exhibing all the characteristics of a man, I still don’t feel completely like one. I still feel like I’m stuck in childhood. I feel like I’ve “unofficially” or “partially” entered manhood. The problem lies with my body and identity documents (but primarily my body).

Mentally, I feel like a man, since I’m exhibiting all the (psychological/mental) characteristics of one. But physically, I still feel like a boy. My body is pretty androgynous and boyish, not manish. I have a strong male gender identity, so I need my body to conform to that. Its pretty frustrating to have to compare yourself to other 24 year old men and see that they basically have entered manhood (physically, at least), while you’re still stuck in boyhood. Even looking at a teenage boy brings frustration – their bodies are developing into that of a man, and therefore entering manhood. Then you look at your body and realize that you’re 24 and didn’t really have a puberty (talk about arrested development!), therefore you haven’t officially entered manhood. It easy to get jealous of your peers (young men), as well as teen boys (I’m not afraid to admit that I get jealous sometimes). And when you’re Low Testosterone (Low T), its easy to get down and ruminate on this since Low T messes with your brain (I’m very convinced that the worst symptoms of Low T are the neurological ones).

I have low muscle mass (even though I’m fit), building muscle is very hard when you’re Low T. Stamina is down, so I can’t do physically demanding activities for very long. Weight management is difficult, so I’m underweight. Facial and other body hair is scanty, so I can’t grow a noticeable beard and I look too young. My voice still sounds boyish, not manly. Lets not forget about the neurological effects of Low T, it makes you feel like total crap! (Again, these would have to be the worst symptoms of low T.) Overall, low T makes you less of a man. It basically turns you into a “girly man”, or (if you’ve had Low T since puberty) turns you into a “man child”. You really don’t feel like a man at all. Testosterone is everything to us guys. It profoundly affects our brains, and differentiates us from the opposite sex/gender. I think you can all see how important T is for manhood (its basically its foundation, which in return defines it).

Lets not forget that I had a gender misassignment at birth. It can be hard to believe sometimes that one little marker can affect your whole life – how people perceive and treat you. It can either validate or invalidate you. It can make your life great or hell. It’s just really frustrating when you have to deal with situations that require you to show identity docuements, and find out about your illegitimate identity. Its sometimes frustrating to have to tell and correct people about your true identity and how you’re working on fixing your identity documents. It is frustrating to have to deal with places and people who basically treat you like someone you’re not, or see you as someone you’re not. Its just so frustrating when your own government doesn’t recognize who you really are. You feel invalidated. When you identify as a man, your manhood is basically straight-out denied and invalidated.

Let’s face it, if we were still hunter-gatherers, I would be totally screwed. Sure, my intersex and transition would be respected, but my manhood would either be denied, or only partially approved (since manhood is an earned status). My body would not be producing enough T, so I would be unable to do a lot of the manly activities expected of me – I would get tired too quickly, be unable to concentrate, be unable to recover quickly, be anxous and on edge all the time, be tired and fatigued all the time, and basically still be a boy (or at least still be seen as one). Since there’s no advanced medicine in those societies, I would have no way of treating my T deficiency, so I would be doomed to be a “man child” forever and a life of mediocrity, where I don’t get to fulfill my manly responsibilities and my potential. With all of that in mind, I feel very lucky that we don’t live in that type of environment anymore. I feel very lucky to live in a more advanced society, with advances in science, technology, and yes, medicine.

After everything I’ve been through, I’m not taking my manhood for granted. I think that unlike a lot of my peers, I’m taking great advantage of it. I, after all, have more to prove, more to gain, and nothing to lose than most of them. When you’ve lived the first 21 years of your life in the wrong gender role and were forced to be someone you’re not, you obviously have more to prove, more to gain, and nothing to lose. I think that a lot of people these days take things like manhood, identity documents, gender roles, and that sort of stuff, for granted. If you’re trans and/or intersex, then you’ll know what I mean.

I’m 24. I’m supposed to be out there conquering the world like all my other peers, not at home resting and depending on others for resources (due to illness). My mind is ready (and wants) to conquer the world, but my body isn’t. It just really sucks when you sometimes feel like you’re the only one going through this. I just really, really, REALLY can’t wait to get over this stupid low T. I can’t wait to get my identity documents fixed. I can’t wait to finally and officially enter manhood.

Forget puberty. Forget adolescense. 24 is my REAL coming of age! (Better late than never, right?)