“No Guns Allowed” by Snoop Lion

On this day two years ago, one of my very good friends, Russell Ford, fell victim to a senseless act of violence. What type of violence, you ask? Gun violence. I want to dedicate “No Guns Allowed” (which features Drake and Cori B.) by Snoop Lion to him, so here it is (to those people who plan to abuse guns, take note):

Rest in piece, my friend. Once again, thanks for everything that you did for me, and thanks for really getting me into ThinkPads – it was essential to my growth and well-being. I’m so sorry that you did not get to see me become the man that I am right now…the man I was destined to be. I’m sorry you had to leave us so soon.

Body Image Issues & Gender Dysphoria

This past Friday (April 26), I went to hang out with one of my cousins, her girlfriend, and a few of her friends. They were all guys and just being around them made me feel pretty self-conscious. I felt a small sense of Gender Dysphoria and a lot of anxiety about my body image. I felt pretty insecure around them. I felt inferior to them. By the time I went back home (which was around midnight), I felt a sense of defeat.

I’ve been struggling with body image issues since practically puberty. Being Intersex made me have a reduced puberty, which in my case means that I did not get to virilize fully. Since I strongly identify as male, having this reduced virilization doesn’t satisfy me – I want more. But really, being misassigned female at birth has had a strong impact on my body image, since it has also resulted in Gender Dysphoria.

I really hate this feeling. One of the things that goes through my head when I’m around other guys my age, or who are close to my age, is “do they see me as a guy, or they see me as a girl”. Of course, I hope they see me as a guy. With girls (who are my age or around my age), I’m guessing they think that I’m a 12 or 14 year old boy. I would have to say that its a bigger deal with guys because, of course, I want to be seen as one of the guys – I can relate to them more. Its a real struggle – I have to fight with the feeling that they might think I’m actually a girl and that they don’t see me as a guy. I get a feeling that maybe they’re checking me out (in a heterosexual male way), and that right there makes me feel really (very, very) uncomfortable. (I mean, come on I’m a heterosexual man for goodness sake!)

Just thinking about this possibility makes me feel “violated”. It makes me feel inferior. It makes me feel like I’m not doing a good job. It makes me feel like I’m not ‘man enough’, or less of a man. It makes me feel dysphoric. It’s almost as if they’re telling me “you can’t be a guy since you’re not ‘virile’ enough” and “you were assigned female at birth so you’re clearly a girl” – stuff like that. Then in return, it’s almost like I telling myself “I will never stack up to these guys”. It feels like I’m going to be stuck like this forever. (Something I should note is that I have severe Gynecomastia and that makes me feel pretty self-conscious sometimes.) It almost feels like they’re going to check my ID out and see that stupid little “F” mark (still) on it, which will further give them power and validate their “findings”. (Of course, its obvious that these thoughts are all in my head, but still…)

Its clear that this anxiety over my body image is interferring with my everyday life (at least when I go out). It is preveting me from living my life to the fullest. My guess is that this is what’s contributing to my social anxiety (I have really gotten over it but there is still a little more work to do. I think that this – along with Gender Dysphoria – was the culprit). Truth be told, until I start hormone therapy, I’d rather stay at home and work on my music, designs, and read. It’s probably best that I don’t engage in these kinds of activities until I start Hormone Therapy (which fortunately, isn’t far away – I have an update coming soon). It’s going to suck not going out with friends and family but its only temporary (I’ll very likely be on HRT by the end of the year). Plus, I’ve been doing this for several years (I’m used to it, but that doesn’t mean I enjoy it – because I don’t. It simply means that I’m used to it.)

Body image issues suck – big time. I just can’t wait for it to be over. I, for sure, won’t miss it. And by the way, being low on androgens (when you strongly identify as male, of course) also sucks – big time.

(By the way, an update of my transition is coming soon.)

A Computer’s Life: The Adventure Begins

This is the first story in the “A Computer’s Life” series. This one’s about how Ethan met Ian and Ivan. (Or in other words, how a ThinkPad T60 met a pair of identical twin T61′s.)

It was a pleasant, summer afternoon in East Hampton, New York. Ethan Turner was in town – having flown all the way from Southern California to stay in his Hamptons vacation home – and decided to spend some time at the beach. Later, he decided to check out some of the places in town.

Ethan was just walking around when he encountered Ian Garten and his mom, Ina. They were having dinner together while at the same time making some finishing touches on Ina’s webpage – which contained one of her recipes. Ian diverted his attention away from his mom when he spotted Ethan. Curious to know him more, he went over to him and introduced himself to Ethan.

“Hi there,” He said. “I’m Ian, what’s your name?” “Hey there Ian,” Ethan said. “I’m Ethan. Nice to meet you.” “It’s nice to meet you too, Ethan.” Ian said. “Come over here and hang out with us.” “Okay.” Ethan said.

So Ethan went over to hang out with Ian and his mom. Ian introduced him to his mom, who seemed very happy to meet him. As they were talking, Ian asked “So, are you from around here?” “Well, I’m not exactly from around here. By that, I mean that I didn’t grow up around here. But I do have vacation home here.” Ethan answered. “That’s cool.” Ian responded. “I, myself, are from around here. Was born and raised here, as was my twin brother Ivan and older sister Debbie.” “You have a twin brother?” Ethan asked. “Yes.” Ian answered. “I have a twin brother. In fact, there he is.”

Ivan came over to where Ian, Ethan, and Ina were. He then asked, “Hey Ian, who’s your friend?” “Hey Ivan,” Ian said. “Meet Ethan.” “Hi Ethan” Ivan said. “It’s very nice to meet you.” “Hi Ivan” Ethan said. “It’s very nice to meet you too.” “So where are you from, Ethan?” Ivan asked. “I’m from Southern California,” Ethan answered. “But I have a vacation home here.” “That’s nice.” Ivan said. “I would like to have a second home in California, as would Ian and my sister Debbie.”

“So what do you do for a living, Ethan?” Ivan asked. “I’m a music producer, lyricist, DJ, and rapper.” Ethan answered. “I also do graphic design.” “That’s nice.” Ivan responded. “I’m a chef. I’m working on a cookbook and I’m planning on starting a TV show and specialty food store, just like my mom. My sister Debbie is doing the same thing.” “I’m a video/film producer and director.” Ian said. “I’m planning on opening my own production company soon.”

Ethan seemed to be very comfortable with his new friends, and his new friends seemed to like him very well. They were quickly becoming good friends. Soon, it was getting late and everyone had to go home. Ian and Ivan decided to invite Ethan to come to their parents home the next day, so he could meet the rest of their family and hangout some more.

“Well, we have to go now.” Ian said. “Do you want to come over tomorrow to our parents house and meet the rest of our family…and hangout some more?” “I would love to!” Ethan enthusiastically said. “Great!” Ian said. He then gave Ethan the directions to his parents house, otherwise known as ‘the family home’.

“We’ll see you tomorrow Ethan!” Ivan said. “I’ll see you guys tomorrow as well!” Ethan said.

…And they all took off.

T Series ThinkPads I’ve Seen (So Far)

A Lenovo ThinkPad T420s. (Picture from Lenovo’s Facebook page.)

The Lenovo ThinkPad T Series. The bread-and-butter of the ThinkPad brand. Probably the most beloved ThinkPad – I mean, there seem to be a lot of people who love/have a T series. According to the newsletter I received today from Lenovo, the first T series (the T20) was released in 2000, which means the T series turns 13 this year. The goal for the T series was to make the most well-rounded PC out there: Performance and durability with a near-forever battery life – at a real-life price. It has obviously achieved that goal since users and critics love (and respect) it. Not only has it achieved that goal, but it has maintained that goal – while improving every time – for 13 years.

In honor of the T series’ 13 birthday, I thought I would make a (detailed) list of all the T series ThinkPads I’ve seen (so far, in real life):

T23 – This is the first T series I’ve ever seen. I was almost 16 at the time I saw it (this was in 2006). I was in school (I was in 11th grade at the time) when a friend of mine showed me her T23. I even got to play around with it a bit. All I can say is that I was amazed by it, I don’t think there any words that can describe this experience.

T30 – I was at my local Barnes & Noble when I saw a T30 back in 2010 or 2009 (can’t remember exactly when). As with every Lenovo that I spot in public, I was ecstatic – I was just so excited. I almost got the chance to see another one and to actually play with one (from a friend of mine) but unfortunately, that didn’t happen.

T41 – This was the first T series ThinkPad I’ve ever owned (still have it), as well as my third encounter with a T series. I got this off the thinkpads.com forum marketplace in August 2007 for $175 (if I remember correctly) as a barebones unit (not only did I want to get a T series at the time but I also wanted one that I could restore). I wanted to see how its like to own a T series so that’s why I decided to get one. As with all the computers I own, I named “him” “T.K.” (or “Theodore”). My next experience with a T41 was at my local Micro Center – I got to see a refurbished unit (this happened in 2008).

T42 (14″ only) – The second T series I’ve used. I got to use this for about 4 years after a friend of mine lended it to me in 2008. Served me well during that time, it was a unique experience. Was very happy to have it around while I still could and was sad to see it go. I even named it “Stevie”. Maybe I’ll get my own later on (which is very likely considering that I want to have my very own “ThinkPad Museum”).

T43 (14″ & 15″) – The third T series I’ve seen. This happened in 2007 on a school field trip. I got to see a 14.1″ model up close (and even got to snap a picture of it) and walked away with a great feeling. My next encouter was with a 15″ model in 2010 when I got my T60 – the seller accidentally shipped me a T43 when he was supposed to ship my T60. As a result, I got to keep it for a few days while I waited to send it back to the seller (I even got to snap several pics). It was fun having it around and was sad when I had to ship it back (I’m definitely going to get one for myself later on – and it’ll be a 15″ as well).

T60 (14″) – It was 2008 when I had my first encouter with a T60. I was at Borders when I saw it, and I even got to meet its owner. This was a great day because back then I was dying to see one. I had another encouter at that same place later that year and again, I got to meet its owner. In early 2010, I finally got one of my own. I got it off the thinkpads.com forum marketplace for $300. I wanted one every since they came out so it was a great day when I finally got it (I named ‘him’ “Justin”). In 2012 or 2011, I got see another one at a local Starbucks (unfortunately, I didn’t get to meet its owner – whom seemed to be running her own business).

T60p (15″ 4:3 screen model) – I was at my local Barnes & Noble when I first saw this ThinkPad (this was back in 2010 or 2009). I got a chance to see it up close but that’s about all. The coolest thing about this experience was that its user was an IBM employee! It was also the first time I’ve seen a mobile workstation in person. My next encouter with a T60p was in December 2011, when a friend of mine brought his over to my house. I got to play around with it for about 30 minutes and was my first time using a mobile workstation.

T61 (except for the 14.1″ 4:3 screen model) – In 2008, I went to my local Micro Center. It was there where I saw a T61 for the first time (a 14″ widescreen model). I didn’t get to play with it, but I did get to feel it a bit. Later that year, I got to see a 15.4″ widescreen model that one of my friends let me see a little bit. I got to play around with that same T61 in December 2011 when my friend came over to my house. I loved the bigger screen that it had, which is very useful for the type of work I do. I’m definitely getting one when I get the chance to. (I have a long history with the T61, which I’ll explain in a later post.)

T400 – I first spotted one at Barnes & Noble in 2008. I even got to meet the guy using it. I then spotted another one at my local (and now extinct) Borders in 2008 or 2009. Then I spotted two more at the same place in 2009, this time I was sitting right next to the guys using them.

T410 – I got to see and use one when I went to my local Microsoft Store in April 2011 or 2010 (It was my first time there). I found it to be a huge improvement over my T60 and T41 (not that there’s anything bad about them, ’cause there isn’t – except for the GPU issue on the T41, of course). I mean, It felt so sturdy! It was fun playing around with it and something I’ll never forget (this experience really made me want to get one of my own, which I still do).

T410s or T400s – I saw one wihle I was at jury duty last September. I was right next to it and its user/owner. Sure made my day (I saw a total of 4 – possibly 5 – ThinkPads while at jury duty)! This is the latest T series and ThinkPad I’ve seen in person.

T520 – The second ThinkPad I saw while at jury duty. Was right next to its owner too. Very cool experience!

As a bonus, I’ll list the T series ThinkPads I’ve seen on TV & Film:

T40 (T4*) series ThinkPads – I saw two on two shows on TV a few years back (2009). Then again on a commercial in (I think) 2011.

T60 (all 3 screen size models) – I saw a 15.4″ T60 on the Bravo TV series “Flipping Out” seasons 2 & 3 (Jeff Lewis used one. I started watching the show in 2009 and been watching it ever since then). (I named ‘him’ “Trey“.) I also saw a 15.0″ on a commercial once and several 14.1″ models on a few commercials (with the most recent this week).

T61 (15.4″ only) – I saw two of them several times on “Barefoot Contessa: Back To Basics” Season 1 on the Food Network (both Ina & Jeffrey Garten use them. They each seem to have their own.). I spotted the first one in 2009 (afterwards, I started watching the show). One has a “ThinkPad T Series” logo and the other has a “IBM ThinkPad” logo. (I named them “Ivan” and “Ian“.) There also seem to be a few more on the episode “The Magic Factor” (at Ina’s out-of-home office).

T500 – On the CW show “90210″. I saw it from 2011-2012.

T420/s or T430/s – On the NBC show “1600 Penn” in the last week of February, on the episode “To The Ranch”.

Possibly a T510 and/or T520 – On last weeks segment of “Rock Center with Brian Williams” on the story about the company Under Armour. Then again on a segment of “NBC Nightly News with Brian Williams” earlier this month on the story about the lights on the Golden State Bridge.

5-02-2013 Update: Saw a 14″ non-widescreen T61 last Friday!

Reincarnation: The Transition 2

It’s been a while since I posted. I’ve been so busy lately working on my two upcoming PROJEKT61 EPs “The Lenovo Album” (the PROJEKT61 version), and “The Uprising”. In addition, I’ve been broadening my music production and sound design skills. On my previous post “Reincarnation: The Transition“, I basically wrote down some notes on my transition at that point. A lot has happened since then so its time for another update:

1. My mom is (fully) on my side now. That’s right, she’s being (fully) supportive now! This is all thanks to a relative of mine who’s also studying to be a psychologist (who’s also been helping me out during this transition – since I first started. In addition, he was the first family member I came out to). He came over to my house on January, had a therapy session which included myself, and was able to make her come to her senses. As a result, the relationship between my mom and I has been better than it ever was – in the past, my mom and I had a complicated relationship. This was really because she didn’t “approve” of any of the stuff I did when I was younger, especially when I was a teenager, in terms of the way I dressed, conducted myself, etc. She always wanted me to look and act more like a girl and that sort of crap. As a result, I built resentment towards her and just didn’t want to be associated with her. But things are better now, we’re on even terms now and is treating me the way I should’ve been treated this whole time. As a result, things are better at home now and I no longer have to stress out about being at home or interacting with my mom, so I’ve been a lot calmer.
2. A few of my family members that weren’t supportive back then are being supportive now. This one speaks for itself.
3. I’m in the process of getting medical attention. When the relative that I mentioned in #1 came to my house back in January, he also talked about this with my mom. Not only that, but he also said that he is going to help me out with this! This is still a work-in-progress and I’ll keep everyone updated.
4. I figured out how I’m going to deal with potential employers about my transition and stuff. I have a fellow Lenovo Insider/Advocate to thank. He used to work as a job counselor at a college some years back and knows how to deal with this (since he knows how the job seeking and hiring process is like). He gave me some tips on navigating around this issue (and some job-seeking tips too). I was relieved to hear that I’m permitted to use my preferred, about-to-be legal name when applying for jobs.
5. The hormone imbalance (androgen deficiency, in my case) that comes with my Intersex variation may be affecting my well-being and mood. I found out not so long ago how (sex) hormones play an important role in our well-being and our feelings. As of late, I’ve noticed the constant fatigue and irregular moods that I’ve been feeling this whole time (hopefully, I’ll go back to being part- (or even better, fully) Primal soon. That should give me quite a bit of relief on my symptoms and make them easier to manage). I also think that it might be affecting my cognition too. Apparently, I have some of the symptoms of Low T (Low Testosterone) – which make sense since I have an androgen deficiency (Low DHT, in my case) caused by congenital, primary hypogonadism. In addition, this androgen deficiency makes me look (and sound) anywhere from 12 to 15 years old (a lot of people tell me I look 14 or 15, instead of 22 – and I don’t blame them. I, on the other hand, think I look 12). I mean, I looked up my weight (91 ibs.) and found out that this is normal for a 11-12 year old! No wonder I look (an feel) this! (If you want to get a good example of how I’m like in real life, take a look at Justin Bieber – I kinda look and even sound like him, except that I’m a little bit skinnier than he is. Keep in mind that he’s 19 an I’m 22. And oh yeah, I’m about 5’4″ or even 5’5″ tall.) So technically, I’m a man stuck in a boy’s body (while for biologically female FTMs, they’re a male stuck in a female’s body). Bottom line is, I’m sick of this.

As you can see, Intersex people go through a lot of the same – if not similar – challenges that average Trans folks go through. At the same time, they go through some challenges that are very different from the average Transgender/Transsexual person (#5 being a good example of this).

It’s been a year since I first discovered that I’m Intersexed, as well as the term “Intersex”. So much has happened since then. I can tell you right now that I’m adjusting to my new self/life very well. I’m really enjoying this, it feels like a dream come true. Never in a million years did I think this would happen to me. Never did I think I would come to this point. Words cannot describe the way I feel. I’m really looking forward to whats up ahead.

So that’s all for this update. See ya next time!

Reincarnation: The Transition

On the post “Reincarnation“, I basically came out as an Intersex man and a partial FTM Transgender person (I say ‘partial’ because of my Intersex status – simply saying, I’m a biological man, who happened to be misgendered at birth by accident). I found out I was Intersex in March, decided to transition (and began to do so) to my biological sex (which happens to match my gender identity) in May, and settled on a new name in June or July. A lot of stuff has happened, so for the last post of 2012, I would like to share what observations I have made about my transition:

1. Transitioning is a time-consuming, self-absorbing, (at times) emotionally-draining process. I haven’t had time to look for a part-time job lately, or work more on my music, designs, advocacy for Lenovo, or just go out and have some fun as much as I’d like to because I have to worry about:

A) How I’m going to tell my (potential) employer about my transition and that the reason behind it is because I was misgendered at birth due to an Intersex variation and that I’m in the process of correcting it. In addition, I have to see how I’m going to tell them that I’m also in the process of changing my name and convince them to call my by my new name in everyday conversations. Luckily, I’ve been doing a lot of reading lately and I think I know how I’m going to do this.
B) Who and when am I going to see to help me correct my birth certificate and other legal documents – by taking a DNA test to prove that I’m indeed a biological male and then get a note to correct my birth certificate and other legal documents – and how much it is going to cost me.
C) How am I going to deal with a mom who says she’s supportive but isn’t acting like it. How am I going to deal with her when I’m forced to be out in public with her? (Since she refuses to respect my wishes and use my new name and correct gender pronouns.) How am I going to make her stop using my old name and incorrect gender pronouns? When is she going to stop disrespecting me and start respecting my wishes? When is she going stop ignoring the situation and realize that this is real and not a phase and that I’m indeed a biological male? The good thing is that just like with the first one, I’ve been doing a lot of reading lately and I’ve found ways to deal with this.
D) Same as the previous one except this time its about three other family members.

All of these things are competing for my attention and I could use a break, as well as some additional help. Luckily, I have several family members (as well as several friends) who are being supportive. One is even offering me to help in seeing a doctor/specialist for dealing with “B)” and I will have to see when we can do this (hopefully soon). Another one (and this is the first person in my family I came out to) is studying to be a psychologist and is giving me emotional support. This is such a big change in my life so it makes sense to say that transitioning is time-consuming. Honestly, I can’t wait ’till its over.
2. Having an unsupportive parent is a real pain in the butt. Aren’t parents supposed to be supportive? Seriously, why are these people parents in the first place? I told my mom about my transitioning plans (not my coming out but rather my plans to change my name and correct my gender) and Intersex variation and she rejected it. I can see that she’s definitely biased – she’s religious (I’m not) and I suspect that religious prejudice (and political correctness) is playing a role here; In addition, she’s ‘old-school’ and uneducated. Luckily, a (female) family member is being extremely supportive as she is doing more than my mom is doing (so its like she’s doing my mom’s job). Hopefully, I can get that family member of mine is studying to be a psychologist to give her some emotional help and hopefully educate her on these issues. This ordeal has been so emotionally-draining for me that I haven’t really been able to focus on stuff that I want/love to do. It really sucks when you have a parent who keeps calling you by your old name and using the wrong pronouns and knowing that they’re doing it intentionally because they want you to meet their expectations. It really sucks when they (and other unsupportive people) insist that it be about them instead of the person whom its really about, you. The person(s) who is/are supposed to be your biggest ally/allies are basically your biggest foe(s) – and its even worse if you still live with them (when you’re on your own its not that big of a deal because you can more easily limit your contact with them. But when your living with them its far worse because your self-esteem and temper are constantly being attacked. I’ve come to find that getting out of the house all day and going out to spend some time with friends and family really helps, so I am trying to incorporate more of that – I can make a new years resolution for this).
3. Living out your true self really boosts your self-confidence. All my life, I’ve struggled with self-consicousness and extreme shyness (so extreme that it was considered “Selective Mutism” – especially when I was younger). Everyone always made a big deal about it, which didn’t help, and I always wondered why this was so. Ever since I found out about my true self and decided to transition, my self-confidence has gone up. Unfortunately, I have also learned some bad habits along the way (in terms of dealing with social situations) so I have to unlearn some of those habits (they can be pretty difficult to unlearn). It’s like I made myself unavailable to people back then – I knew that something was going on but I couldn’t figure it out until just this year and so I drove people away with my extreme shyness so I could deal with this – but now its different, I’m suddenly making myself ‘available’ to people. In addition, I feel like people were placing unrealistic expectation on me – meaning, they expected me to be ‘sociable’ and into ‘building relationships’ just because I was a girl back then but the reality is that I was really a biological male back then, so these expectations were unrealistic and so I used extreme shyness to cope. The truth is that I express myself through actions more so than words, once I knew this I was able to let go of these expectations and the anxiety they caused. My social life is improving but I have to admit that there is still some work to be done (the good thing is that its easier to deal with now).
4. It feels like you’re meeting yourself for the first time, even though you were here all along. It also feels like people are meeting you for the first time, even though you were here all along.
5. It feels like you’re getting a fresh start. – This one is self-explanatory.

So you may be wondering why I came out as Intersexed and Trans (even if I’m only partially one due to my Intersex status) in the first place. It is because coming out to people will let them know that both Intersex and Transgender people exist and in return they won’t be so afraid of us. Sure there may be safety concerns but if that ever happens I can always defend myself (its all about being prepared) – I’m not going to let other people take advantage of me (plus, I heard that those ‘safety concerns’ are being over-exaggerated by the media and such anyways). So there’s my reason for doing this. (And if you hear people say that Intersexuals have it easier than Transexuals, don’t believe them. We have it just as hard and I’m proof of this.)

Maybe on the next transition-related post I’ll talk about things I’m able to do now compared to back then…or something else (it really depends on if and when I can get myself to do it). Happy New Year 2013!

PROJEKT61 – Load Up!

PROJEKT61 logo. Created by Eli Turner.

I am very happy to announce that I made my first full-length song just this past Friday. But it wasn’t an Eli Turner song, it was a PROJEKT61 song. PROJEKT61 is my EDM (Electronic Dance Music) side-project. I got the idea of doing an EDM side-project earlier this year, after listening to a lot of Dubstep and other types of EDM music (the main type of EDM music I’m going to be putting out as PROJEKT61 is Dubstep, by the way).

I still plan on making hip-hop music (writing, producing, and performing it) but I realized that its going to take a while before I fully master making it (primarily the lyrics part). Even though I have made great improvements, I still have some way to go. I’ll be working on my Hip-Hop and EDM music simultaneously. In addition, I got very interested in Dubstep and EDM music after learning music production with the aid of YouTube videos (with videos from Boy In A Band being the most notable and influential). This type of music also reflects the way I’ve been feeling lately.

“Load Up!” is my first single. The title was inspired by Lenovo’s video project “The Forbidden Load” from their “Be An Action Hero” Facebook app. The song was originally titled “Load 61″ but I changed it to “Load Up!” after my friend Jin suggested it –  he said that it has a better flow since its my first full-length song.

So, here is “Load Up!”, which is available as a free download on Soundcloud. Enjoy:

By the way, I’m now on Pinterest and I designed the PROJEKT61 logo and “Load Up! – Single” artwork myself. Expect new music from PROJEKT61 soon.